1. |
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Whatever happened to the unicorns?
Whatever happened, ever happened, ever happened?
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2. |
Unicorns of the 1980s
03:41
|
|||
Whatever happened to the unicorns of the 1980s?
Whatever happened to the poster of the wolf against the moon?
Still said Marathon on the packet
Iron Maiden patches on my denim jacket
1980s
Air brushed ladies
Hunks holding babies
There was a fear of rabies
Whatever happened to John Craven bringing us the news?
Whatever happened to that sausage in the titles of Grange Hill?
Big shoulder pads and big hair
Soft focus ladies in their underwear
1980s
Air brushed ladies
Hunks holding babies
There was a fear of rabies
Do you remember when Rick Moranis seemed to be in every film?
Yes he did!
Do you remember when Margaret Thatcher tried to steal your milk ("erm, that was actually the 70s")
She's leaving you thirsty in the playground
Waiting to go home in time to watch Masters of the Universe
By the power of Grayskull
I have the power!
Barabara Woodhouse - walkies
1980s
Air brushed ladies
Hunks holding babies
There was a fear of rabies
1980s - Live Aid
1980s - Airwolk
1980s - Top Gun
1980s
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3. |
Cheddar George
03:24
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Cheddar George is the kind of a man who would try to boil halloumi in a yellow frying pan
He can walk across the ceiling with stilton in his ears
But if he doesn't clean his fridge out soon, it's going to end in tears
His car has got big holes in, because it's gorgonzola
He lied to all his friends at work, and said it was a Roller
Cheddar George is rather indiscreet
That familiar cheesy smell isn't coming from his feet
He lives in Double Gloucester in a house called Cottage Cheese
There's never any wind there, but the gentlest of breeze
and if you want to go there, you are, out of your mind
But if you must insist, it's quite easy to fnd
You take the edam to Red Leicester
Turn right at Dairylea
Flare up both your nostrils and try to smell the brie
Cheddar George isn't feeling very well
He tried to block his nostrils, but inhaled a Babybell
While in his cheese laboratory, he made a cheese liqueur
But the cheddar he was using was just far too mature
It couldn't handle silliness and made us stop this song
...but we still carried on
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4. |
Weasel
03:44
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WHen I was young, I had a weasel
Like an angry mouse, but twice as long
He was a painting on my easel
But now he's words inside our song
It's a song about small woodland creatures
in which the weasel exclusively features
and I'm aware that there are other animals in the wood
But I put it to you, with the exception of the badger, they're not as good
as a weasel (so small and furry)
weasel (bright shiny eyes)
weasel (they're never as big as you think they are)
weasel
Like a furry sausage with sharp teeth at one end
and when you handle him, you can really make him bend
into a circle, where you can't find the end
then you can throw him like a frisbee to a friend
Playing weasel Frisbee right through the afternoon
and on into the evening beneath the light of a waxing moon
and when it gets to dark to see you can take your weasel home
and rub his furry tummy 'til he recovers from being thrown
Weasel (he's got anger issues)
Weasel (and really sharp teeth)
Weasel (don't poke him; he'll have your fingers off)
Weasel
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5. |
The tortoise is coming
03:49
|
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The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain
The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain
You should be scared, because it's you he wants
You'd better beware; his gain becomes your loss
He knows where you live
The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain
The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain
He's smashing through everything to get to you
and know matter where you run, he'll still get through
to take his revenge for the things that you've done
You can't quite remember, but still you run
The voice in your head repeats once again
The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain
The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain
The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain
The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain
The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain
The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain
You think you've escaped, but you cannot be sure
You realise too late, that's him at the door
He steps through the doorway and into the room
and slowly he tells you, "you've met your doom"
You simply can't move as you him say
"The tortoise is here to feast on your brain"
and then he begins to feast on your brain
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6. |
Roundabouts of Swindon
01:28
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Have you ever been to Swindon, a big town in the south-west
Folks we don't advise that you go there
to avoid it would be best
It's a real pain to get to
When you're there, it always rains
and when you reach a roundabout, there are just too many lanes
The roundabouts of Swindon go on and on on
They keep us second guessing, so we thought we'd write this song
When you come in from the east side, there is one that the locals call 'magic'
outsiders do not like it and refer to call it tragic
it's a contra-rotational nightmare that'll set upon your fears
there are people driving round it; they've been stuck on it for years
The roundabouts of Swindon are not few and far between
They may keep the traffic flowing, but they make a nice man mean
There are people driving round them right through the day and night
Their necks are badly damaged; they can only look to the right
If you reach this piece of magic, you'll wish you hadn't found it
They should make Swindon in to one big roundabout, so we can all go around it
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7. |
||||
I try to scan the supermarket
Scouting around; just me and my basket
But not to find the latest deal
I'm trying to get a decent feel for which cashier I should frequent; which line will first relent
But I don't want the shortest; that's the one that I hate
Because I like to stand and wait
I find a line and I take my place, and the chap behind me with an angry face says, "oh bloomin' 'eck this is a joke. I only want to buy this coke"
So I gesture rather happily, that he can go in front of me
An act of kindness, you might think
But I'd rather wait for him to buy his drink
You see...
I like to stand in line
It's the perfect way to pass the time
I'll be served right after you
So come on people let's join the queue
I'll queue for the bar, for the shops, for the loo
I'll queue when I've not got much else to do
The most British past time, so easy to view
You stand behind me, he stands behind you
But try to jump in, I'm not part of that; that's enough to give a chap and damned heart attack
Barge me and I'll barge you back, or I'll get sarcastic; it's not hard in fact
You see politeness costs nothing, but rudeness will
You try to cut through to get to the till and find the whole crew will move as one, so get back in place before the queue is done
It's so polite, you're all invited
Take your place and play nicely, find it
A place to reflect and maybe find a friend
I even feel a bit sad when the queue's at an end
I like to stand in line
It's the perfect way to pass the time
It keeps me standing next to you
So come on people let's join the queue
Patience, politeness and low level passive-aggressiveness
I mean it's everything I love about this country
Come one, come all, stand behind me
Join the queue
"'ere, Professor Elemental, organise"
One by one, two by two
This is more than a dance, it's something new
Three by three, four by four
Come join the queue; there's always room for one more
I went to a shop unlike any other
I wasn't impressed and I got in some bother
I paid for my goods at a machine of all things
and what followed next is what really stings
It gave me a number, said to take a seat
As though I should take the weight off my feet
"A seat?" I cried; that's just not British
It left me feeling rather skittish
Where is the order, the concatenation devised by the people of this great nation
This isn't a lounge for goodness sake
I wont to feel like my back could break
To stand in line with my fellow consumer
Take an hour and a half to get my hands on a Hoover
So let's join together and embrace this trait
and take some joy while we stand and wait
I like to stand in line
It's the perfect way to pass the time
I'd wait at the back as it grew and grew
So come on people let's join the queue
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8. |
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I was felling kinda peckish on my way in to the office, so I stopped at a greasy spoon
There were paper cloths on tables and artificial flowers and cheap deflated balloons
The waitress cam on over in a really filthy pinny and holes ripped in her jeans
She said "would you like the menu?"
I said "really I don't need one. I'll have eggs, bacon, chops and beans"
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
Eggs, bacon chips and beans (I want it)
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
Eggs, bacon chips and beans (I need it)
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
Eggs, bacon chips and beans (just bring me)
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
A hungover Sunday morning and I'm feeling pretty grotty, unsteady upon my feet
I make a cup of coffee, but it doesn't hit the spot
I need something to eat
I put my head upon my pillow and I think about my options and remember last night's dreams
When suddenly it hits me, I've got just the thing to cure me
Eggs, bacon, chips and beans
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
Eggs, bacon chips and beans (I want it)
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
Eggs, bacon chips and beans (I need it)
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
Eggs, bacon chips and beans (you want it)
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
Don't forget the ketchup!
"Anything else loves? Two more teas?"
"No thanks darling, just the bill please"
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
Eggs, bacon chips and beans (I ate)
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
Eggs, bacon chips and beans (deplate it)
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
Eggs, bacon chips and beans (masticate it)
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
Eggs, bacon chips and beans
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9. |
Pipes
01:29
|
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Pipes
Pipes
Pipes
Pipes
Pipes
Pipes
Pipes
Pipes
Pipes
Pipes
Pipes
Pipes
Pipes
Pipes
Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes
Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes
Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes
Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes
Pipes
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10. |
Trouserland
03:04
|
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It's late at night, there's a star-filled sky
You've hung your trousers out to dry
When you awake with the sun
You look outside and your kecks have gone
Where have they gone?
Have you ever wondered why at night your trousers seem to fly away?
Don't despair, no need to cry, because we're here to show you why today.
The wind took them far away
To a place where they will stay
It's always bright; there's never rain
Your trousers won't return again
from Trouserland
Trouserland, where the trousers go
From your washing line, when the wind doth blow
Trouserland
Trouserland, where the trousers play
A new pair welcomed every day
to Trouserland
Bermudas, flares and shell suit bottoms
They don't mind if your style's gone rotten
So if your trousers go out of fashion
Hang 'em on the line, no need to trash them
Trouserland
They go to Trousrland
Trouserland, where the trousers go
From your washing line, when the wind doth blow
Trouserland
Trouserland, where the trousers play
A new pair welcomed every day
to Trouserland
Now you know where your trousers are
Don't try to look, 'cause it's too far
to Trouserland
and if you look up to the sky
You'll see your trousers flying by
To
Trouserland
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11. |
In love as dinosaurs
03:37
|
|||
Won't you come with me to the Cretaceous
When the world was warm and spacious
A few big islands in the ocean
Plate tectonics set in motion
Everywhere across the land, gigantic animals will stand
and walk and run and feed and fight
Let's choose which ones we'll be tonight
I will be your stegosaurus, if you'll be my allosaurus
Every mammal will abhor us
Cower in fear and flee before us
You are a carnivore, I am a herbivore
But we won't obey nature's laws
we're in love as dinosaurs
Now the world is swiftly changing
volcanoes, earthquakes rearranging
the land as ash is raining down
magma crawls across the ground
pyroclastic cloud draws near
see the dinos run in fear
they're trapped by lava; hear our roars
we'd better quickly change our dinosaurs
I'll be your ankylosaurus if you'll be my tyrannosaurus
with my plate armour and your jaws
I think this world's perfect for us
You are a carnivore; I am a herbivore
but we'll be safe in each other's claws
We're in love as dinosaurs
But wait! What's that light in the sky?
Oh love I think we're gonna die when that asteroid hits land
There's no way back from the brink
We're about to be made extinct
Oh honey try to understand
Hold you close and calm your fear
wipe away those dino tears
put your tiny t-rex arms around me
We will both be fossilised
Our last embrace immortalised
We'll be together forever you'll see
Because palaeontologists will restore us
Museum goers all adore us
pointing at tyrannosaurus
Hugging an ankylosaurus
We'll never be alone
Our love is set in stone
We'll never truly die because we stayed in love as dinosaurs
In love as dinosaurs
In love as dinosaurs
In love as dinosaurs
|
||||
12. |
||||
Strolling through the park on a Sunday afternoon
When my ears were apprehended by a rumpty pumpty tune
Soon I was on a deck chair placed upon the grass
While up upon the stand the band were puffing in their brass
Watch how their cheeks swell up as they puff and strain
I've no doubt they're suffering from oxygen starvation of the brain
Take a look inside their heads and you won't predict what you might find
You can never tell what's going through a brass band's mind
There's Alf the undertaker, well he plays the slide trombone
There's Mrs Bagg the baker she's on the sousaphone
The Reverend Susan Highguff bangs upon the drum
Whist Billy Bragg, conductor, is waving to his mum
Watch how their cheeks swell up as they puff and strain
I've no doubt they're suffering from oxygen starvation of the brain
Take a look inside their heads and you won't predict what you might find
You can never tell what's going through a brass band's mind
The British national anthem is the last tune of the day
and all the OAPs, they jump up off their seats and shout "hooray"
At 5pm they pack up for the day, leaving such merriment behind
You can never tell what's going through a brass band's mind
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13. |
Skull of doom
00:02
|
|||
Skull of doom
|
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14. |
United by cheese
02:48
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Citizens of this continent in each and every nation have all at some point suffered through wars and devastation
Revolution, oppression, reunification; we're joined together in our love of dairy fermentation
United by cheese
A scent on the breeze
We rise from our knees
for unity and peace
United by cheese
We're united by cheese
Each country has its favourites
dictated by tradition
And each proclaims the virtues of its own predisposition
and though the base is similar, it varies composition
subtly altering in taste with a regional edition
United by cheese
The populous agrees
The taste is bound to please
The flavour guarantees
We're united by cheese
United by cheese
Now we've put it all behind us
Time to share the cheese that binds us
Oh my friends the wars are over
grab a slab of cambozola
The Spanish Armada was years ago
so how about a slice of manchego
Forget about that mess in Hastings
Pass the brie and start the tastings
United by Cheese
Disharmony flees
In French and Portuguese
German and Maltese are united by cheese
We're united by cheese
There are cheeses of obscurity
and those of noted fame
The flavours may be different
The love is just the same
Our passion for this wonderfood leads us to proclaim
Kings and queens may rise and fall
The cheeses will remain
United by cheese
from the Alps to the Pyrenees
The rivers and the seas
The continent decrees
United by cheese
We're united by cheese
United by cheese
|
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15. |
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James Carlisle saw Mr Connolly in Sainsbury's
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16. |
Squid/whale battle
07:08
|
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There's unease in the Atlantic
Ocean dwelllers gather from the coming war
Cetaceans have the power
But there's a bold new challenge coming from the ocean floor
An army of cephalopods is forming a guard to fight for the sea
But they have a challenge
The whales are amassing a battalion to make them flee
Squid/Whale Battle
Squid/Whale Battle
In a swirl of water
The bull whales circle round in the brine
Then diving to the slaughter
They hurtle through the depths one at a time
With the bull whale leading
The water churned to froth by his presence
But the squid are feeding
lit up with splendid bioluminescence
Squid/Whale Battle
Squid/Whale Battle
Down, down, down hurtles the mighty bull sperm whale,
He will reach depths of over nine thousand five hundred feet on his descent; far deeper than any other mammal could possibly dive.
In order to achieve this incredible feat, he alters the structure of his body.
Having supercharged his blood by flooding it with oxygen in a series of enormous, deep breaths, he changes the very shape of his head to limit water resistance.
The flippers tuck into special recesses on his flanks, folding back neatly like the undercarriage of an aircraft.
Finally the whale shuts down all his organs except his brain and heart;
his lungs collapse and his hinged ribcage, lubricated by mucous, closes around them.
From out of the darkness, there comes a NIGHTMARE; THE GIANT SQUID!
Eight arms, two tentacles and a crushing beak made of chitin… eyes the size of dinner plates!
With a mighty FLASH, it rushes out in a blinding bioluminescent blaze and seizes the bull sperm whale in a slithering flurry of limbs, wrapping its arms around the struggling torso of the mammal.
The whale suppresses the urge to panic when the brutal suckers fasten onto his skin.
Through the searing agony of the cephalopod’s embrace, the whale knows he has but scant seconds to somehow get his jaws around the mantle of the squid,
but, as they drop down together into the shadow of the abyss, his eyes roll back and he feels the life leaving his body as the tentacles SQUEEZE around him…
Now there is nothing but silence. On the surface we can but wait…
…wait, holding our breath, looking to see who will re-emerge alive from these chthonic depths…
THERE!
A SHAPE!
but… is it the whale? Or is it the Squid?
Who will rise to victory?
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is.. THE WHALE!
THAR SHE BLOWS!
and the whales rule the sea
yes, the whales rule the sea (go mammals, go mammals, go mammals)
and the whales rule the sea (go mammals, go mammals, go mammals)
yes the whales rule the sea
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