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Grated Hits

by The Real Cheesemakers

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  • Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    features an exclusive track, Cheesemaker Blues, only available on physical CD (not included in digital download)

    Includes unlimited streaming of Grated Hits via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 3 days

      £8 GBP or more 

     

  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    Purchasable with gift card

      £5 GBP  or more

     

1.
Whatever happened to the unicorns? Whatever happened, ever happened, ever happened?
2.
Whatever happened to the unicorns of the 1980s? Whatever happened to the poster of the wolf against the moon? Still said Marathon on the packet Iron Maiden patches on my denim jacket 1980s Air brushed ladies Hunks holding babies There was a fear of rabies Whatever happened to John Craven bringing us the news? Whatever happened to that sausage in the titles of Grange Hill? Big shoulder pads and big hair Soft focus ladies in their underwear 1980s Air brushed ladies Hunks holding babies There was a fear of rabies Do you remember when Rick Moranis seemed to be in every film? Yes he did! Do you remember when Margaret Thatcher tried to steal your milk ("erm, that was actually the 70s") She's leaving you thirsty in the playground Waiting to go home in time to watch Masters of the Universe By the power of Grayskull I have the power! Barabara Woodhouse - walkies 1980s Air brushed ladies Hunks holding babies There was a fear of rabies 1980s - Live Aid 1980s - Airwolk 1980s - Top Gun 1980s
3.
Cheddar George is the kind of a man who would try to boil halloumi in a yellow frying pan He can walk across the ceiling with stilton in his ears But if he doesn't clean his fridge out soon, it's going to end in tears His car has got big holes in, because it's gorgonzola He lied to all his friends at work, and said it was a Roller Cheddar George is rather indiscreet That familiar cheesy smell isn't coming from his feet He lives in Double Gloucester in a house called Cottage Cheese There's never any wind there, but the gentlest of breeze and if you want to go there, you are, out of your mind But if you must insist, it's quite easy to fnd You take the edam to Red Leicester Turn right at Dairylea Flare up both your nostrils and try to smell the brie Cheddar George isn't feeling very well He tried to block his nostrils, but inhaled a Babybell While in his cheese laboratory, he made a cheese liqueur But the cheddar he was using was just far too mature It couldn't handle silliness and made us stop this song ...but we still carried on
4.
Weasel 03:44
WHen I was young, I had a weasel Like an angry mouse, but twice as long He was a painting on my easel But now he's words inside our song It's a song about small woodland creatures in which the weasel exclusively features and I'm aware that there are other animals in the wood But I put it to you, with the exception of the badger, they're not as good as a weasel (so small and furry) weasel (bright shiny eyes) weasel (they're never as big as you think they are) weasel Like a furry sausage with sharp teeth at one end and when you handle him, you can really make him bend into a circle, where you can't find the end then you can throw him like a frisbee to a friend Playing weasel Frisbee right through the afternoon and on into the evening beneath the light of a waxing moon and when it gets to dark to see you can take your weasel home and rub his furry tummy 'til he recovers from being thrown Weasel (he's got anger issues) Weasel (and really sharp teeth) Weasel (don't poke him; he'll have your fingers off) Weasel
5.
The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain You should be scared, because it's you he wants You'd better beware; his gain becomes your loss He knows where you live The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain He's smashing through everything to get to you and know matter where you run, he'll still get through to take his revenge for the things that you've done You can't quite remember, but still you run The voice in your head repeats once again The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain The tortoise is coming, he wants to feast on your brain You think you've escaped, but you cannot be sure You realise too late, that's him at the door He steps through the doorway and into the room and slowly he tells you, "you've met your doom" You simply can't move as you him say "The tortoise is here to feast on your brain" and then he begins to feast on your brain
6.
Have you ever been to Swindon, a big town in the south-west Folks we don't advise that you go there to avoid it would be best It's a real pain to get to When you're there, it always rains and when you reach a roundabout, there are just too many lanes The roundabouts of Swindon go on and on on They keep us second guessing, so we thought we'd write this song When you come in from the east side, there is one that the locals call 'magic' outsiders do not like it and refer to call it tragic it's a contra-rotational nightmare that'll set upon your fears there are people driving round it; they've been stuck on it for years The roundabouts of Swindon are not few and far between They may keep the traffic flowing, but they make a nice man mean There are people driving round them right through the day and night Their necks are badly damaged; they can only look to the right If you reach this piece of magic, you'll wish you hadn't found it They should make Swindon in to one big roundabout, so we can all go around it
7.
I try to scan the supermarket Scouting around; just me and my basket But not to find the latest deal I'm trying to get a decent feel for which cashier I should frequent; which line will first relent But I don't want the shortest; that's the one that I hate Because I like to stand and wait I find a line and I take my place, and the chap behind me with an angry face says, "oh bloomin' 'eck this is a joke. I only want to buy this coke" So I gesture rather happily, that he can go in front of me An act of kindness, you might think But I'd rather wait for him to buy his drink You see... I like to stand in line It's the perfect way to pass the time I'll be served right after you So come on people let's join the queue I'll queue for the bar, for the shops, for the loo I'll queue when I've not got much else to do The most British past time, so easy to view You stand behind me, he stands behind you But try to jump in, I'm not part of that; that's enough to give a chap and damned heart attack Barge me and I'll barge you back, or I'll get sarcastic; it's not hard in fact You see politeness costs nothing, but rudeness will You try to cut through to get to the till and find the whole crew will move as one, so get back in place before the queue is done It's so polite, you're all invited Take your place and play nicely, find it A place to reflect and maybe find a friend I even feel a bit sad when the queue's at an end I like to stand in line It's the perfect way to pass the time It keeps me standing next to you So come on people let's join the queue Patience, politeness and low level passive-aggressiveness I mean it's everything I love about this country Come one, come all, stand behind me Join the queue "'ere, Professor Elemental, organise" One by one, two by two This is more than a dance, it's something new Three by three, four by four Come join the queue; there's always room for one more I went to a shop unlike any other I wasn't impressed and I got in some bother I paid for my goods at a machine of all things and what followed next is what really stings It gave me a number, said to take a seat As though I should take the weight off my feet "A seat?" I cried; that's just not British It left me feeling rather skittish Where is the order, the concatenation devised by the people of this great nation This isn't a lounge for goodness sake I wont to feel like my back could break To stand in line with my fellow consumer Take an hour and a half to get my hands on a Hoover So let's join together and embrace this trait and take some joy while we stand and wait I like to stand in line It's the perfect way to pass the time I'd wait at the back as it grew and grew So come on people let's join the queue
8.
I was felling kinda peckish on my way in to the office, so I stopped at a greasy spoon There were paper cloths on tables and artificial flowers and cheap deflated balloons The waitress cam on over in a really filthy pinny and holes ripped in her jeans She said "would you like the menu?" I said "really I don't need one. I'll have eggs, bacon, chops and beans" Eggs, bacon chips and beans Eggs, bacon chips and beans (I want it) Eggs, bacon chips and beans Eggs, bacon chips and beans (I need it) Eggs, bacon chips and beans Eggs, bacon chips and beans (just bring me) Eggs, bacon chips and beans Eggs, bacon chips and beans A hungover Sunday morning and I'm feeling pretty grotty, unsteady upon my feet I make a cup of coffee, but it doesn't hit the spot I need something to eat I put my head upon my pillow and I think about my options and remember last night's dreams When suddenly it hits me, I've got just the thing to cure me Eggs, bacon, chips and beans Eggs, bacon chips and beans Eggs, bacon chips and beans (I want it) Eggs, bacon chips and beans Eggs, bacon chips and beans (I need it) Eggs, bacon chips and beans Eggs, bacon chips and beans (you want it) Eggs, bacon chips and beans Eggs, bacon chips and beans Don't forget the ketchup! "Anything else loves? Two more teas?" "No thanks darling, just the bill please" Eggs, bacon chips and beans Eggs, bacon chips and beans (I ate) Eggs, bacon chips and beans Eggs, bacon chips and beans (deplate it) Eggs, bacon chips and beans Eggs, bacon chips and beans (masticate it) Eggs, bacon chips and beans Eggs, bacon chips and beans
9.
Pipes 01:29
Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes Pipes
10.
Trouserland 03:04
It's late at night, there's a star-filled sky You've hung your trousers out to dry When you awake with the sun You look outside and your kecks have gone Where have they gone? Have you ever wondered why at night your trousers seem to fly away? Don't despair, no need to cry, because we're here to show you why today. The wind took them far away To a place where they will stay It's always bright; there's never rain Your trousers won't return again from Trouserland Trouserland, where the trousers go From your washing line, when the wind doth blow Trouserland Trouserland, where the trousers play A new pair welcomed every day to Trouserland Bermudas, flares and shell suit bottoms They don't mind if your style's gone rotten So if your trousers go out of fashion Hang 'em on the line, no need to trash them Trouserland They go to Trousrland Trouserland, where the trousers go From your washing line, when the wind doth blow Trouserland Trouserland, where the trousers play A new pair welcomed every day to Trouserland Now you know where your trousers are Don't try to look, 'cause it's too far to Trouserland and if you look up to the sky You'll see your trousers flying by To Trouserland
11.
Won't you come with me to the Cretaceous When the world was warm and spacious A few big islands in the ocean Plate tectonics set in motion Everywhere across the land, gigantic animals will stand and walk and run and feed and fight Let's choose which ones we'll be tonight I will be your stegosaurus, if you'll be my allosaurus Every mammal will abhor us Cower in fear and flee before us You are a carnivore, I am a herbivore But we won't obey nature's laws we're in love as dinosaurs Now the world is swiftly changing volcanoes, earthquakes rearranging the land as ash is raining down magma crawls across the ground pyroclastic cloud draws near see the dinos run in fear they're trapped by lava; hear our roars we'd better quickly change our dinosaurs I'll be your ankylosaurus if you'll be my tyrannosaurus with my plate armour and your jaws I think this world's perfect for us You are a carnivore; I am a herbivore but we'll be safe in each other's claws We're in love as dinosaurs But wait! What's that light in the sky? Oh love I think we're gonna die when that asteroid hits land There's no way back from the brink We're about to be made extinct Oh honey try to understand Hold you close and calm your fear wipe away those dino tears put your tiny t-rex arms around me We will both be fossilised Our last embrace immortalised We'll be together forever you'll see Because palaeontologists will restore us Museum goers all adore us pointing at tyrannosaurus Hugging an ankylosaurus We'll never be alone Our love is set in stone We'll never truly die because we stayed in love as dinosaurs In love as dinosaurs In love as dinosaurs In love as dinosaurs
12.
Strolling through the park on a Sunday afternoon When my ears were apprehended by a rumpty pumpty tune Soon I was on a deck chair placed upon the grass While up upon the stand the band were puffing in their brass Watch how their cheeks swell up as they puff and strain I've no doubt they're suffering from oxygen starvation of the brain Take a look inside their heads and you won't predict what you might find You can never tell what's going through a brass band's mind There's Alf the undertaker, well he plays the slide trombone There's Mrs Bagg the baker she's on the sousaphone The Reverend Susan Highguff bangs upon the drum Whist Billy Bragg, conductor, is waving to his mum Watch how their cheeks swell up as they puff and strain I've no doubt they're suffering from oxygen starvation of the brain Take a look inside their heads and you won't predict what you might find You can never tell what's going through a brass band's mind The British national anthem is the last tune of the day and all the OAPs, they jump up off their seats and shout "hooray" At 5pm they pack up for the day, leaving such merriment behind You can never tell what's going through a brass band's mind
13.
Skull of doom
14.
Citizens of this continent in each and every nation have all at some point suffered through wars and devastation Revolution, oppression, reunification; we're joined together in our love of dairy fermentation United by cheese A scent on the breeze We rise from our knees for unity and peace United by cheese We're united by cheese Each country has its favourites dictated by tradition And each proclaims the virtues of its own predisposition and though the base is similar, it varies composition subtly altering in taste with a regional edition United by cheese The populous agrees The taste is bound to please The flavour guarantees We're united by cheese United by cheese Now we've put it all behind us Time to share the cheese that binds us Oh my friends the wars are over grab a slab of cambozola The Spanish Armada was years ago so how about a slice of manchego Forget about that mess in Hastings Pass the brie and start the tastings United by Cheese Disharmony flees In French and Portuguese German and Maltese are united by cheese We're united by cheese There are cheeses of obscurity and those of noted fame The flavours may be different The love is just the same Our passion for this wonderfood leads us to proclaim Kings and queens may rise and fall The cheeses will remain United by cheese from the Alps to the Pyrenees The rivers and the seas The continent decrees United by cheese We're united by cheese United by cheese
15.
James Carlisle saw Mr Connolly in Sainsbury's
16.
There's unease in the Atlantic Ocean dwelllers gather from the coming war Cetaceans have the power But there's a bold new challenge coming from the ocean floor An army of cephalopods is forming a guard to fight for the sea But they have a challenge The whales are amassing a battalion to make them flee Squid/Whale Battle Squid/Whale Battle In a swirl of water The bull whales circle round in the brine Then diving to the slaughter They hurtle through the depths one at a time With the bull whale leading The water churned to froth by his presence But the squid are feeding lit up with splendid bioluminescence Squid/Whale Battle Squid/Whale Battle Down, down, down hurtles the mighty bull sperm whale, He will reach depths of over nine thousand five hundred feet on his descent; far deeper than any other mammal could possibly dive. In order to achieve this incredible feat, he alters the structure of his body. Having supercharged his blood by flooding it with oxygen in a series of enormous, deep breaths, he changes the very shape of his head to limit water resistance. The flippers tuck into special recesses on his flanks, folding back neatly like the undercarriage of an aircraft. Finally the whale shuts down all his organs except his brain and heart; his lungs collapse and his hinged ribcage, lubricated by mucous, closes around them. From out of the darkness, there comes a NIGHTMARE; THE GIANT SQUID! Eight arms, two tentacles and a crushing beak made of chitin… eyes the size of dinner plates! With a mighty FLASH, it rushes out in a blinding bioluminescent blaze and seizes the bull sperm whale in a slithering flurry of limbs, wrapping its arms around the struggling torso of the mammal. The whale suppresses the urge to panic when the brutal suckers fasten onto his skin. Through the searing agony of the cephalopod’s embrace, the whale knows he has but scant seconds to somehow get his jaws around the mantle of the squid, but, as they drop down together into the shadow of the abyss, his eyes roll back and he feels the life leaving his body as the tentacles SQUEEZE around him… Now there is nothing but silence. On the surface we can but wait… …wait, holding our breath, looking to see who will re-emerge alive from these chthonic depths… THERE! A SHAPE! but… is it the whale? Or is it the Squid? Who will rise to victory? Ladies and Gentlemen, it is.. THE WHALE! THAR SHE BLOWS! and the whales rule the sea yes, the whales rule the sea (go mammals, go mammals, go mammals) and the whales rule the sea (go mammals, go mammals, go mammals) yes the whales rule the sea

about

The Real Cheesemakers proudly present our debut album, Grated Hits, which has taken a mere 27 years to produce.
Formed in 1992 as a duo following the discovery of the Bonzo Dog Band LPs in Egg's Mum's record collection, The Real Cheesemakers spent years creating top-quality nonsense and walloping high-end cods.
In 2011, the band played to an actual audience for the first time, to some (if not critical) acclaim, and, since adding two band members who can actually play musical instruments, have performed across the south of England (with a quick foray in to Wales), rapidly climbing from local obscurity to regional obscurity in the process.
Grated Hits collects 17 songs that were written over the last 27 years and recorded in a number of sessions over the last five, giving each song a slightly different vibe, but offering high-end production value without overly contaminating our purity and no-fi roots.
we hope you enjoy it

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released November 30, 2019

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